Every Thursday in LOL Interwebz, Luke T. Harrington explores the quirks and foibles of Internet culture from a Gospel perspective.

Once upon a time, there was Christian website called ChristianMingle, and it helped Christians to mingle.

But then they decided that wasn’t enough, and they decided to make a movie called Christian Mingle about Christians mingling by way of ChristianMingle. So now you can get on ChristianMingle and Christianly mingle, and then when you find a date there, you can take her to see Christian Mingle and watch Christians mingle on ChristianMingle in Christian Mingle, while you Christianly mingle with the hot Christian single you found on ChristianMingle.

And, hey, why not? There was a time when movies were about interesting characters overcoming adversity and learning valuable lessons about themselves; shortly after that, there was a time when movies were about fake-looking CGI explosions; lately, though, a movie is just a two-hour commercial that you have to pay to see. Hasbro obviously pioneered this with G.I. Joe, Battleship, OuijaRidley Scott’s dystopian masterpiece Monopoly, and of course the epic Transformers saga (parts 1-27)—but why should we let godless, secular companies have all the fun?

Those of us at CaPC feel that Christian Mingle is a great idea and think every Christian website should get its own movie. Here are a few suggestions:

Answers in Genesis: The Movie!

A disaster film in which a state-of-the-art Noah’s-Ark-themed amusement park opens and SOMETHING GOES WRONG. All the animals run amok, entrapping the visitors and killing them off, one-by-one. A crack team of mercenaries is quickly assembled to enact a daring rescue mission; instead of doing that, though, they sit around, insisting that no one can actually prove that the rampage happened. Then they raise millions of dollars to build a museum about how everything at the theme park is just fine.

Relevant: The Movie!

Less a movie than a movement, this one began as a Kickstarter campaign and a concerted effort to ensure the production would be carbon-neutral. Directed by, written by, and starring Zach Braff, Relevant: The Movie! represents a new generation of Christ-followers rising up to change the world. What’s it about? I dunno. Like, stuff you learn in your 20s, or something.

Challies.com: The Movie!

This is a 90-minute movie, but it spends the first 85 minutes explaining to the audience what a “movie” is. The last five minutes are a rant about how Michael Bay sucks.

First Things: The Movie!

Two priests, a rabbi, and a Baptist minister walk into a bar. It’s…not as funny as it sounds.

Movieguide: The Movie!

This one is basically two hours of old Reagan speeches and some scenes from Rocky IV stitched together. As you watch, a bunch of indecipherable strings of letters pop up at the bottom of the screen, keeping track of all the sex and violence you could have seen if you’d gone to a better movie.

Vatican.va: The Movie!

The posters for this one are smothered in blurbs from critics, all of whom insist that it’s the only movie that exists, or has ever existed—but for some reason, the film itself looks like something you’d find on GeoCities circa 1997.

Sojourners: The Movie!

Cheech and Chong return in this all-new, never-before-seen rehash of all the same bits they’ve been doing since the ’70s.

GodTube: The Movie!

This one turns out to be the exact same movie as the one playing in the theater next door, except after every line of dialogue, the character speaking adds, “…and also, GOD!”

RachelHeldEvans.com: The Movie!

A modernist professor from 1930s Princeton Theological Seminary is sent to the future in a plot to derail the Christian blogosphere. An android with an inexplicable Austrian accent goes after her, in order to prevent the Christian Church from having the same…freaking…debate we’ve been having about the reliability of Scripture and Tradition since, like, 34 A.D….but is it TOO LATE? (Yes.)

Patheos: The Movie!

Patheos: The Movie! has the luxury of coming in a dozen different flavors, from “Progressive Christian” to “Pagan.” I still have no idea what it’s about, though, since it’s preceded by 17 hours of trailers, several of which tend to break the projector.

BigChurch: The Movie!

This movie is exactly the same as Christian Mingle up until the halfway mark, at which point it suddenly turns into hardcore porn.

Christ and Pop Culture: The Movie!

An animated film in which some happy-go-lucky woodland creatures discover their entire forest has erupted into civil war. They respond quickly, by strongly encouraging everyone to watch more television. Despite the film’s “G” rating, one squirrel keeps making dirty jokes.


3 Comments

  1. Bwhahaha. I about lost it at “Cheech and Chong return in this all-new, never-before-seen rehash of all the same bits they’ve been doing since the ’70s.”

  2. FYI I already optioned most of these. Also holding rights to

    THE REAL ROCK OF AGES; in order to save a failing local parish, a loveably-handsome pastor puts on a Christian rock concert. No one comes but God helps him get a record deal. Featuring newsboys songs and a TobyMac cameo)

    and

    LIFE OF CHI(rho); 7,001 BCE, Jesus in a raft with a bunch of animals which he plants on the different continents in order to mess with Darwin.

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