It’s kind of an open secret that most Christians haven’t read the Bible. Despite polls showing that 92% of Americans agree with the statement “Every word in the Bible is as true as the Bible, and also this poll wasn’t just made up by a guy who needed a quote for his lede,” most people have literally no idea what the Bible actually says.

This sort of ignorance has no place in our modern, civilized era of #reason.And the truth is, your church is desperate to keep it that way, which is why there aren’t a thousand dumbed-down English translations of the Bible floating around out there. Your pastor doesn’t want you to read the Bible, because if you did you’d realize it’s full of verses that are obviously false and also completely contradict modern values, which are obviously the correct values, because they’re the modern ones.

Like what? Well, here are just a few . . .

James 1:22

The verse: “But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because it says right there, if you hear the word, you’re deceiving yourself. Even the Bible admits that it’s full of lies. I have no idea why the Bible would admit something like that, but I guess those Bronze-Age goatherders who wrote it just didn’t know any better, presumably because they didn’t have #science and #reason.

Also, in our sophisticated, modern era, we now know that “ye” isn’t actually a real word.

Colossians 3:11

The verse: “Where there is neither Greek nor Jew, circumcision nor uncircumcision, Barbarian, Scythian, bond nor free: but Christ is all, and in all.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: The Bible teaches that “there is neither Greek nor Jew,” but modern science has proven the existence of both Greeks and Jews. Only a bigot would deny the existence of Greeks and Jews, but that’s exactly what Bible-thumpers want you to do. This sort of ignorance has no place in our modern, civilized era of #reason.

Psalm 100:4

The verse: “Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, and into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, and bless his name.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: This verse, supposedly written around 1,000 B.C., directly references Thanksgiving, even though Abraham Lincoln wouldn’t invent Thanksgiving for another 3,000 years.

That is, assuming Abraham Lincoln ever even existed. Can’t wait to watch the fundies squirm as they try to explain this one.

Exodus 20:13-14

The verse: “Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not commit adultery.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Am I the only one noticing that these two verses are loaded with sex and violence? Crack the Bible open here, and your pastor’s manipulation is exposed: the Bible is a “moral” book, huh? Well, I think I could teach those OT barbarians a thing or two about #reason, just as soon as I finish watching Game of Thrones.

By myself.

In the dark.

Because I enjoy its intriguing storyline.

Matthew 12:22

The verse: “Then was brought unto him one possessed with a devil, blind, and dumb: and he healed him, insomuch that the blind and dumb both spake and saw.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: The Bible wants you to believe the past tense form of “speak” is “spake,” but modern science has proven that it’s “spoke.” The weight of biblical inaccuracies is piling up, and we’re just getting started. Your pastor knows that if you found out about it, your faith would come crashing down like a house of cards, and not even the Kevin-Spacey-with-a-ridiculously-fake-accent kind.

Mark 15:37

The verse: And Jesus cried with a loud voice, and gave up the ghost.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because, wait, Jesus had a pet ghost? And then he was forced to give it up? Why doesn’t your church ever mention that when they’re telling you the story of Jesus? I mean, I’m just spitballing here, but could it possibly be because of a vast conspiracy to cover up the truth because the Church finds it threatening and also Leonardo daVinci was probably involved somehow???

Galatians 5:14

The verse: “For all the law is fulfilled in one word, even in this; Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because that is clearly seven words. We all know that Bible-thumpers have trouble with numbers (the earth is 10,000 years old? really?), but on this one, the writers of scripture are way behind the times. Even the ancient Babylonians knew a little something about mathematics; perhaps that’s why Jeremiah was so keen on Babylon’s destruction. Evidently these fanatical Bible defenders are nothing new; they have always gone to extreme lengths in ducking #science and #reason.

Ecclesiastes 1:2

The verse: “Vanity of vanities, saith the Preacher, vanity of vanities; all is vanity.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Because this is just one more of the many places that the Bible is riddled with errors. It clearly says “all is vanity,” yet a quick trip to IKEA exposes that foolishness, stocked as it is with a variety of dressers and nightstands. Man, this is easy. The Bible’s days of authority and privilege are clearly numbered.

Amos 3:7

The verse: “Surely the Lord GOD will do nothing, but he revealeth his secret unto his servants the prophets.”

Why your pastor doesn’t want you to know about it: Your pastor wants you to believe that God is all-powerful, but even the Bible clearly says, “God will do nothing.” True, yes, but devastating for Christianity.

So, checkmate, Holy Rollers. You all are just lucky someone was here to read the Bible for you and tell you what to think about it before your church was able to brainwash you. As the saying goes, the #truth has set you free.

Wish I could remember where I read that.


  1. LOL This is the dumbest thing I’ve read all day. You’re a real theologian, dude. You should read the whole thing, in context, before you try to proof text your way through a blog post that shows your ignorance. Good golly.

  2. This is a joke, right? Because I have read the Bible multiple times (over 30) and can say with all the assurance in the world that this is either an attempt at humor, or so misguided as to be pitiable.

  3. for the record stop taking the bible out of context, im not gonna let you defame my GOD wthout even reading the whole passage. Do your research man GOD’s word doesnt lie. if you wanna argue this email me

  4. This is obvious satire, people. Do you think a Christian website would post something like this if it wasn’t?

  5. It’s SATIRE, folks. His point is that critics try to tear down the Bible in shockingly ignorant ways, so he tried to create arguments that are so shockingly ignorant that no one could possible believe them. But I guess the last part didn’t succeed as well as he hoped…

    1. I think the internet killed any notion most people have of satire. There are so many dumb people saying so many dumb things on the internet, it’s basically impossible any more to say something so dumb everyone realizes it’s satire. I’m an English teacher and nearly all of my students think Jonathan Swift’s “A Modest Proposal” is written sincerely even after they’ve been specifically told “this is satire.”

      That all said, this comment thread is much, much funnier than the article itself, so I’m certainly not complaining.

  6. I understand this is supposed to be humorous, but this is quit possibly THE most ignorant piece I’ve ever read. I’m very sorry that someone I know posted it. Stupid!

  7. My Lord in Heaven this shouldn’t even be dignified in existence by being called a satire. It’s not even clever to be sattire. These verses can easily be explained and some are even taken out of context. Again I know some of you say it’s a satire, but it’s not even tthat much

    1. I think it’s hilarious, he starts out saying no one really reads the bible, and is poking fun at the idea of pastors are telling you what to believe and to think for yourself…basically. Then takes ALL of the versus out of context (on purpose by the way) and pulls ridulouse conclusions using hyperbaly for shock. Anyone seen southpark? Then he concludes with sayIing your luckily you had someone to read the bible for you, furthering his original point of Christians not reading the bible and listening to someone at face value. Then concludes with paraphrased bible verse and doesn’t knownwhere he heard it. Haha I thought it was fun. I’m a Christian and love God and I think it’s pretty funny….

  8. Good zingers, Luke. And, yeah, either half the comments are satirical, or there’s a lot of “not getting the joke” going on out there. More than I thought.

    Oh, and the reason folks have trouble catching that “A Modest Proposal” is satire is that they are completely ignorant of the original situation. GIven even rudimentary understanding of history, they’ll see it. But when Swift might as well be Heraclitus to them, and when the sugar in Lucky Charms is their idea of Irish troubles, well, fuhgeddaboutit.

    1. Good guess, but no. The students I mentioned not getting Swift’s writing are given a brief biography of Swift, a description of the Irish’s situation, as well as an explanation of satire and how Swift uses satire in his writing before they even start to read it, and then just before the last few paragraphs are told “Pay close attention to paragraph 29. This is where Swift lays out his real plan for how to help Ireland.” They’re still oblivious.

      Besides, given how few people see satire when it’s applied to events or situations contemporary to them…

  9. Thanks for the shout out to the Alincolnist community, we really need to spread the word about this topic that we care nothing about. #science #reason #education

  10. My gracious the comments are funny (albeit unintentionally)! Even after people keep saying “This is satire” folks eep ripping into it. My confidence defending Christians having a sense of humor is a bit shaken at the moment. Funny article! (And intentionally so.)

  11. I can live with the satire. The author’s bio concerns me when I read that he is “currently working on ‘HOLY SH*T! The Dirtiest Bits in the Bible’….” Not even satire is a legitimate excuse for using vulgarity. Consider Eph 4:29 – “Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths….”

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