Enthusiasts of Christian cinema were recently rocked by the news that God’s Not Dead would be receiving the sequel it so clearly deserved. We’ve been quite vocal here at CaPC about our love for the film, but still we wonder: now that that unforgettable leading man Josh Wheaton has proven to his entire campus—and, indeed, the entire world!—that God’s Not Dead, where can they possibly take the story?

If you’re reading this, Pure Flix, we’d be willing to part with any one of these concepts for a measly million bucks—a pittance, really, considering how well you’ve been doing at the box office.Of course the auteurs at Pure Flix probably already have some great ideas, but we at CaPC would also like to offer our services. We came up with the following ideas at our last pitch meeting, and each of them is 100% guaranteed to make for a positive™, uplifting™, and family-friendly™ viewing experience.

God’s Not Dead II: Night of the Living God

Consider: why was the original God’s Not Dead set on a college campus?

Because the Secular Humanist Establishment wants your brrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnsssss, of course. In this bone-chilling sequel, Josh’s university is overrun with student zombies who have been brainwashed by the Liberal Atheist Agenda and are bent on rebuilding America into an atheist-Communist-Islamist-fascist-socialist-terrorist-anarchist-Kenyan-Ebola-Benghazi dictatorship—right after eating your flesh, obviously.

Fortunately Josh, Willie Robertson, and the Newsboys have plenty of axes, shotguns, and chainsaws (not to mention a whole new line of Duck Commander guns released just in time for the onslaught).

What better way to honor the Prince of Peace!

God’s Not Dead 2: Weekend at Yahweh’s

In God’s Not Dead, Josh convinced his entire campus that God Was Surely Alive. In the sequel, however, it turns out that God Actually Was Dead the whole time! Boy, is Josh’s face red!

Unfortunately, since Philosophy 102 has been rejiggered around Josh’s former theological convictions, he has to spend an entire semester pretending that God’s Not Dead in order to pass!

All sorts of wacky hi-jinks ensue, including a hilarious water-skiing sequence and a scene where Josh has to pretend that the Cosmological Argument is convincing!

God’s Not Dead, Part Deux: Godot’s Not Dead

Everyone at Josh’s college receives a text message—from literally every evangelical they know—assuring them that not only is God Not Dead, but He’ll also meet them at the bare tree in the courtyard!

Then He doesn’t. (Spoilers)

God’s Not Dead Episode II: God’s Not Dead’s Not Dead

After heroically triumphing over his evil atheist professor, Josh thinks all these silly anti-God arguments have finally been put to rest—but, as it turns out, SOMETHING SURVIVED.

Josh now has to travel to a remote island populated by philosoraptors who retain the conviction that the Problem of Evil is a defeater for theism. Running low on supplies and cut off from Cartesian certainty, can Josh survive?

The film climaxes with a 50-foot David Hume rampaging through Manhattan. (Spoilers)

God’s Not Dead Too: The (Not Dead) Gods Must Be Crazy

Josh may have convinced everyone that God Wasn’t Dead in the first film, but their new-found worldview is thrown into a lurch in this sequel when a student finds a Coke bottle on campus. Upon closer inspection, it turns out that there are Coke bottles all over campus, and everyone begins asking: what sort of God would allow His creatures to trash His creation like this, just so they could be perpetually buzzed on expensive sugar-water?

Faced with such an insurmountably stupid crisis of theodicy, all the students go back to being godless atheists. (Spoilers)

God’s Not Dead: Origins: Revelations: Requiem

Get ready for the GRITTY REBOOT, where every character has a dark past and an even darker secret. Josh is a drug addict. His girlfriend Kara has an eating disorder. Willie Robertson has a college degree. Even God, it turns out, is responsible for all that weird stuff in Ezekiel.

Finally, the DARK, SERIOUS installment we’ve all been waiting for. The world will finally see how REAL and GRITTY the GND franchise is, and us Surely-Alivers will stop getting picked on at Comic-Con.

Not Dead! The Musical: God is Surely Alive and Well and Living in Paris

The good news: Josh’s school has now restructured its entire philosophy department around the revelation that God’s Not Dead!

The bad news: now they’ve lost their accreditation and funding for ignoring the last five centuries of Western philosophical thought! What will they do?

But wait! Josh can dance, and that one ex-Muslim girl can tell jokes. I even heard that the Newsboys can play a few mediocre Christian rock songs! And we’ve got that old barn on the Ag campus, and we can hang up some lights and invite everyone we know! Let’s put on a show!

Everyone pulls together, and they save the orphanage! I mean, the philosophy department! (Spoilers)

2 Gods 2 Dead

Proving He was Surely Alive was only the beginning—in this high-octane, nonstop-thrill-ride, God has to prove that He can also race cars and steal electronics!

Together with His crew of loners, outsiders, and duck-call-hawking reality TV stars, God has to win an illegal street race against Vishnu in order to save . . . I dunno, let’s say the animal shelter this time.

GND-Alpha-Prime: Russell’s Teapot Is Also Not Dead

Having completed his degree in advanced astrophysics, Josh bravely leads a crew into outer space to seek out new life and new civilizations. The mission is cut short, though, when he learns that their ship is on a collision course with a teapot orbiting the sun between Earth and Mars. He orders his crew to take evasive maneuvers, but they respond by insisting there’s no evidence of such a teapot, and that therefore, the burden of proof is on him.

Anyway, long story short, they all die. (Spoilers)

God’s Not Dead vs. Jason

The only entities less likely to stay dead than God are slasher-movie villains, so in this EPIC CROSSOVER EVENT, God and Jason Voorhees battle each other across all the classic settings from their greatest hits, including Camp Crystal Lake and Mount Sinai. The conflict builds to a thrilling climax where they settle their differences and sign a mutually beneficial peace accord. (Spoilers)

Plus! Stay tuned for the sequel’s sequel, God’s Not Dead vs. Freddy vs. Jason vs. Alien vs. Predator vs. Christopher Hitchens.

God’s Not Dead, Being the Second Part: Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God Who’s Not Dead

Josh and the Newsboys are transported back in time to Puritan New England, where they run afoul of Jonathan Edwards. After sitting through a four-hour sermon, Josh helpfully endeavors to persuade this personage of historical significance that God is, in fact, an excellent Dude, as all 21st-century evangelicals know Him to be, and just wants us to have a most triumphant time, be excellent to each other, and party on.

After three rounds of debate, Josh is declared the loser and burned as a heretic. (Spoilers)

M. Night Shyamalan’s The God-Not-Deadening

In a shocking twist, it turns out that God was actually DEAD THE WHOLE TIME. (Spoilers)


5 Comments

  1. GOD’S NOT DEAD AND DEADER:

    After a hilarious mix-up when the campus hosts an exhibition of religious artifacts, Josh and Willie must buddy up and take a road trip to Aspen to return the Shroud of Turin.

    SPOILER ALERT: Josh loses his virginity on the Shroud.

  2. Godzilla’s Not Dead: He’s Surely Alive

    After Walter White is killed during Godzilla 1. We see his return in which Space Godzilla who passionately hates God (because of Matthew McConaughey’s altering gravity that killed his wife) debates young Godzilla who is recovering his former self after watching Hercules die in the previous movie.

    *Plot twist* Behind the wheel was Jason Statham looking for revenge because he preferred Xena Warrior Princess.

  3. “God’s Not Dead: The Squeaquel.” Further theological research discovers that not only is God not dead, God is currently embodied as a mouse that is set to be dissected in Mr. Schicklgruber’s biology class in an experiment that will demonstrate the reality of Evolution. Josh must race against time to accomplish… what, exactly? Seriously, nobody can figure out what to do about that (spoilers).

  4. God’s Not Dead 2: God’s Not Dead Harder

    It’s a year after Josh’s heroics foiling his atheist professor’s devious plot have made him famous, and he just wants to spend some time with the girl who took him back in between this and the last movie apparently. But when her plane isn’t able to land because of another, completely unrelated atheist professor, he needs help. Help arrives in the form of, uh, Billy Graham, I guess. Just as Graham and Josh seem to have the professor cornered, it’s a trick! Graham and the prof have been shooting straw men at each other the whole time! This proves to be a surprise only to Josh, but the two villains board a plane to escape. Will Josh find some incredibly stupid way to bring them down and save they day? Will they keep making sequels with increasingly stupid titles as long as it’s profitable? Yes. (Spoilers)

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