We’ve got good news and bad news about the upcoming week. The bad news is that there’s still a whole week left of what might be the most depressing presidential election in history. The good news is that today is Halloween, which means you have a golden opportunity to go out tonight, gather massive amounts of candy, and eat yourself into a sugar-induced coma for the remainder of this political train wreck. (And if you think adult trick-or-treating is undignified, just do what we do and steal your kids’ candy.)
Yes, despite everything that’s horrible about the world, candy is still a thing. And because World War III hasn’t quite started yet, it still hasn’t been rationed. So, consider the following list the Election Day equivalent of one of those candy-filled Advent calendars (which shouldn’t be a thing, dangit, because Advent is for fasting, people! fasting!). This is your guide to which candies might (or might not) help get you through this final week of political purgatory:
Why it might not: Just try looking at it without thinking about Donald Trump. Yeah, we can’t, either.
Eat it if: Your eyes are closed.
Why it might help: Sure, it looks suspiciously like a bowel movement, but it’s still more appetizing than yet another news story about emails.
Why it might not: Depending on who you believe, it was either creepily named after a former president’s dead daughter, or it was named after the baseball great just obliquely enough that they wouldn’t have to pay him. Both of those possibilities remind us of Trump for some reason.
Eat it if: You can’t find a Snickers.
Why they might help: You’ll be so distracted trying to get them out of your teeth that you won’t be able to think about anything else.
Why they might not: Because they’re terrible, and if you like them, you’re terrible. What even are these things? They’re like chocolate-flavored taffy. Why would anyone ever need/want chocolate-flavored taffy? Just eat chocolate. Or taffy.
Eat them if: You’re five years old and don’t know what actual chocolate tastes like. Or if you think “Mexican food” means “a taco bowl from the Trump Tower Grill.”
Why it might help: Hershey’s Krackel bar is the perfect reminder that, even in the darkest of hours, resurrection is still possible. The Krackel disappeared from store shelves in 1997, and for 17 years lay dormant as a miniature-assortment-only bar. And then, boom! In 2014, they were suddenly back from the dead. But not in, like, a creepy zombie way. Like, in a triumphant Jesus way. Which I mean in a totally non-blasphemous way.
Why it might not: Then again, let’s not kid ourselves: these things are basically just Nestlé Crunch with less rice. And yeah, I know rice is cheaper than chocolate, but I still feel cheated.
Eat it if: You don’t have any Mr. Goodbars.
Why they might help: We’re not sure. No one knows what these things taste like, because no one has ever eaten them.
Why they might not: Do we even know there’s actual candy inside these wrappers? Has anyone ever bothered to unwrap them and find out?
Eat them if: Nuclear war happens. We’re pretty sure they’ll survive.
Why it might help: Fun fact about 3 Musketeers: it used to come as a package of three small candy bars, each with a different flavor of nougat—chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry. Then Mars, Inc. finally realized that vanilla and strawberry are terrible, and the rest is history. I don’t know why I’m telling you this, except as a reminder that THE GAME IS RIGGED, PEOPLE. CHOICE IS AN ILLUSION. Oh, and also, I’m filling up space here, because a 3 Musketeers bar won’t help anything. Sorry.
Why it might not: This is a snack that’s clearly inspired by Neapolitan ice cream, but produced in the United States, but named after a trio of French guys. Hashtag #GLOBALISM hashtag #EVIL hashtag #NEWWORLDORDER.
Eat it if: You’re one of THEM
Why it might help: It won’t.
Why it might not: Because you’ll read the joke. You always regret reading the joke, and you always tell yourself you won’t read the joke, but then you always read the joke. If only you had better decision-making skills and stronger impulse control, we might not be in this electoral mess. Jerk.
Eat it if: You’re thinking about checking the news. As bad as the jokes are, they still make more sense than anything in the headlines.
Why they might help: I have no idea. These things are just Smarties with an inferiority complex.
Why they might not: Because whenever I take my wife to the movies she always gets these and then she eats them the whole time instead of making out with me and SHUT UP I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
Eat them if: You have a billionaire breathing down your neck.
Why it might help: Because, as we all know, dark chocolate is good for you. It’s basically broccoli. And never mind that the studies that found that were funded by chocolate companies. It’s #SCIENCE!
Why it might not: Honestly, looking at the name, all we can think about is the current setting on the Doomsday Clock.
Eat it if: You want to be healthy for the next three minutes.
Why they might help: They’re made out of marshmallows, they look like peanuts, they’re orange, and they taste like bananas. So they make more sense than anything about this election.
Why they might not: I’m already having nightmares about puffy, orange things, so I’ll be steering clear of these.
Eat them if: You can’t find a microwave to stick them in.
Why they might help: I have no idea, but according to at least one poll, these are West Virginia’s “favorite Halloween candy.” Seriously, West Virginia? I’m pretty sure all three of those words are wrong. This is why you’ll never be a swing state like Regular Virginia.
Why they might not: Even if someone in your neighborhood is weird enough to be handing out Oreos for Halloween, they probably won’t give you milk to go with them. They will when I’m president, though. We’re gonna bring that back.
Eat them if: You don’t know the difference between candy and cookies. Or maybe if you don’t know what it means to wipe a hard drive.
Why they might help: Whatever else you might say about them, they’re less painful that sitting through another debate would be.
Why they might not: Unfortunately, these things basically are an urban legend. They almost never happen, so you might have to settle for a regular caramel apple. Fortunately, finding a blade inside your caramel is only slightly more insulting than finding fruit inside it.
Eat them if: This election isn’t insulting enough for you.
Why they might help: Granted, these are basically the consolation prizes of suburban trick-or-treating (and, appropriately, are often the theological equivalent of junk food), but they’re nevertheless a welcome reminder that, whatever else happens, God is in control.
Why they might not: Weirdly, they’re frequently published by the people who seem to doubt that last bit the most. (How you doing there, ghost of Jack Chick? Happy Halloween!)
Eat them if: You need fiber. Which, after all that candy, you probably will.
Why they might help: Depends on how hard you snort them.
Why they might not: Depends on how hard you snort them.
Eat them if: …wait, people eat these? Like, with their mouths? Weird.