Every Thursday in LOL Interwebz, Luke T. Harrington explores the quirks and foibles of Internet culture from a Gospel perspective.

*     *     *

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
_________________________________________2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Failure is inevitable, guys.

Believe me, I know. I’ve had more ideas that come to nothing than Donald Trump has had failed presidential campaigns. The backyard of my soul is littered with dead websites I used to write for, dead bands I used to be in, grad school programs I dropped out of, and goldfish that went to live with a kindly old farmer or something according to my mom. It’s what the word “fallen” means, right?

But as much as some people might think otherwise, the Gospel is not “Pick yourself up, and keep going.” I can appreciate the moment-by-moment value of such an attitude, but Scripture tells us that God’s power is “made perfect” in our weakness. The Gospel isn’t “Keep trying”; it’s “Your failures have been erased; the battle has been won; come to the feast.” We can glory in our successes because they are a gift from God; we can rejoice in our failure because they show us our need for God.

That sounds like a flimsy enough excuse to introduce you to a great new website I found called Kickended. It’s a compendium of failed crowdfunding campaigns from Kickstarter, and by “failed,” I mean “utterly, completely failed.” These are objectively the absolute bottom of the barrel—the campaigns that didn’t get a single pledge. The ones that netted exactly zero dollars and zero cents in donations.

How does that even happen? I mean, don’t these people have moms?

Don’t tell me if they actually don’t, because that’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. Instead, let me point you to some of the more interesting specimens I’ve discovered among the site’s nearly 12,000 (!) entries. And because this column is ostensibly about Jesus, I’ve assigned each creator a memory Bible verse to remember the next time.

Don’t feel bad, guys! God is glorified in your weakness!


“The Beez Kneez”

What it is: “Music Video for ‘The Beez Kneez’ – a progressive electronic dance track heavily influenced by metal and hip hop.” Question: how many genres of popular music can you combine before you circle around and you’re just recording “pop” again?

Why it failed: I’m no videographer, but I kind of doubt talking in monotone into a webcam for four minutes inspires a lot of confidence in your music-video-directing aspirations.

Another possibility: the only potential problem he lists in “Risks and Challenges” is that the project might be “overly successful,” so, y’know, maybe that’s what happened.

Bible verse to remember next time: Proverbs 16:18: “Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” Because I’ve been there, dude.

Like, for instance, this column is hilarious. So it’ll probably get me fired.


“A little reminder, a little comfort.”

What it is: Given the mountain of indecipherable text, your guess is as good as mine, but it looks like she needs donations to buy materials to open an Etsy store.

Why it failed: Probably because no matter how much money you gave her, all you got was “a thank-you card.” No offense, lady, but I could get one of those from a drugstore. They’re, like, 12 for a buck.

Bible verse to remember next time: Matthew 20:15: “Am I not allowed to do what I choose with what belongs to me? Or do you begrudge my generosity?” You go, girl. You use those thank-you cards however you want!


“I Want To Design T-shirts & Hoodies For Teens Like Myself”

What it is: A kid would like to design t-shirts and hoodies for teens, such as himself.

Why it failed: Because this kid tried to raise $1,500 for something he could have just done with a CafePress account.

Bible verse to remember for next time: Mark 14:52. “He slipped out of his shirt and ran away naked.”

…what? It’s a verse about shirts.


“inGame EXPERIENCE , WE JUST HAVE 7 DAYS”

What it is: Duh, this is the inGame EXPERIENCE , and THEY HAVE JUST 7 DAYS!

Nah, it looks like some guys with a YouTube series decided to go to a gaming conference. And if you give them 150 bucks, they’ll totes bring you back a t-shirt, brah.

Why it failed: Because the Interwebz are already clogged with people who need your money NOWNOWNOW and think it’s an emergency, and most of those people will provide you with more than a t-shirt. Like, maybe some POGs.

Bible verse to remember next time: James 4:17: “So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.” Because, seriously, guys, you know you could hook me up with some POGs.


“Our New Designs First Run Production”

What it is: Some gearheads would like to design t-shirts, perhaps for gearheads like themselves.

Why it failed: Not because of their attitude, that’s for sure. From their “Risks and Challenges” section: “We are going to take everyday one step at a time, we feel that no obstacle is to[o] tall to overcome with the love and support we have from friends and family.”

Wait, are they printing t-shirts, or checking into rehab?

Bible verse to remember next time: Philippians 4:13. “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” This presumably includes printing t-shirts.


“Ben Pettis: Debut Album and Tour”

What it is: A guy with a ukulele wants to record an album! And you know he means business, because he’s got a straw fedora on.

Why it failed: “I recorded this in the bathroom at Deano’s on my crappy internal mic.”

Yep. The mic. That’s what the problem is.

Bible verse to remember next time: 1 Corinthians 11:4: “Every man who prays or prophesies with his head covered dishonors his head.”

I think there’s also something in there about singing with a ukulele.

Or something.

Quoting things out of context is fun!


“Tattoo Life T-Shirt”

What it is: They designed a t-shirt that will tell the world you have tattoos! Because apparently the world won’t know that just from looking at your tattoos!

Why it failed: I mean…are there really this many people on Kickstarter who have never heard of CafePress?

Also, this shirt design doesn’t really make me think of tattoos. It mostly makes me think about pirates playing paintball. Maybe they should have called it the “Pirates Playing Paintball Life T-shirt”? I’d probably buy one of those.

Bible verse to remember next time: Leviticus 19:28: “You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.” Because next they could sell a “Making Cuts on Your Body for the Dead Life T-shirt.” I’d buy, like, their entire stock of those.

Image via Tomasz Stasiuk at Flickr.


1 Comment

  1. Nice piling on; I suspect these people might already feel lousy because their campaigns failed and they landed on a website designed to make fun of them for it. And now someone will make fun of them with Bible verses.

    I think your job is safe.

Comments are now closed for this article.