LOL Interwebz: A Trailer for the Movie Event of the Year

Every Thursday in LOL Interwebz, Luke T. Harrington explores the quirks and foibles of Internet culture from a Gospel perspective.

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SCENE: A computer sits in a darkened room. Our intrepid, neurotic hero enters from stage left. We hear a voiceover from Don LaFontaine.

DON: In a world where people post whatever they happen to be thinking about to the Internet…

We see a close-up on the mouse as our hero clicks.

DON: One man…

Shot of the screen as he scrolls through his Facebook feed.

HERO: Hmm, let’s see. Pictures of people’s food…a bunch of links to an article that was debunked a week ago…a racist rant from somebody’s aunt…

DON: …is about to discover…

HERO: Wait…

DON: …that he can only…

Extreme close-up on our hero’s eyes as they are seized with terror.

HERO: No!

DON: …take…

HERO: Not that!

DON: …so…

HERO: ANOTHER CELEBRITY DEATH???

DON: …much.

Close up on his feed as it fills with nothing but posts of “R.I.P. Dead Celebrity!”

HERO: What do I do? WHAT DO I DO???

DON: A hero will rise.

HERO: Wow, there are so many of these posts.

DON: Lines will be drawn.

HERO: Like, seriously. Every single one of my friends had to announce to the world that this actor is dead.

DON: Battles will be fought.

HERO: And, like, this guy here…just yesterday he was telling me that he hated this actor. And now he’s announcing his love for him to the world. I…I don’t get it.

DON: Kingdoms will fall.

HERO: I guess I should post something.

DON: Hearts will be won.

HERO: I mean, right? Like, everybody else is.

DON: Minds will be lost.

HERO: I don’t want to seem like a horrible person who speaks ill of the dead.

DON: Spleens will be ruptured.

HERO: I mean, what if one of my friends checks my wall and sees I didn’t post something about the dead celebrity?

DON: Pancreases will be slightly impinged upon.

HERO: I’ll look like a callous jerk with no empathy!

DON: Toenails will be fungus’d.

HERO: That sounds like an entirely rational fear! And what will I do then??? WHAT THEN???

DON: Monkeys will be put in silly hats and trained to serve cocktails.

HERO: So I’ll post something. I have to. Just a short “Rest in peace…” No, no, that’s too cliché.

DON: Tacos will be served.

HERO: Okay, I’m ready to post this.

DON: Punks will be punk’d.

HERO: But wait. If I post it now, everyone will think I just did it because everybody else did.

DON: Bros will be iced.

HERO: What if they can tell I’m being entirely disingenuous???

DON: Movie trailers will be padded out.

HERO: They’ll think I’m a hypocrite! WHAT THEN??? WHAT DO I DO???

DON: Viewers will be bored.

HERO: So maybe I’ll post something that sounds kind of sad about mortality, but doesn’t explicitly acknowledge the dead celebrity.

DON: Ponchos will be worn ironically.

HERO: That makes sense, right? That way I’ll have plausible deniability, regardless of what people think I mean!

DON: Punchcards will be punched.

HERO: Okay, so: “Feeling blue today. Life is fleeting. Don’t waste it.”

DON: Pork rinds will be crunched upon.

HERO: And…post. I handled that well, I think.

DON: Metaphors will be metaphor’d.

HERO: Time to check Twitter.

DON: Particles will be accelerated.

HERO: What? NO!

DON: Hipsters will be smug.

HERO: ANOTHER dead celebrity???

DON: Blind spots will be checked before lane changes are made with due caution.

HERO: What the crap am I supposed to say about this one???

DON: Pies will be baked at 350 for approximately 40 minutes.

HERO: Don, just cut it out.

DON: Huh?

HERO: Just…stop. This is ridiculous.

DON: Oh. Sorry.

HERO: I’m just…I’m gonna go outside and get some exercise, or something. No dead celebrities outside.

Our hero rises and leaves the room as we cut to the film’s title.

DON: Tweeting about Celebrity Deaths: The Sequel to the Gritty Reboot: Origins. Part Two. Coming this fall.