The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is Musicals.

Q 1. How to become a catholic priest with a wife?

Become an Anglican.

Q 2. Kiddy holocaust poems?

I recommend the Children’s Collection of Human Genocide Poems, written by Nobody Cause That’s a Horrible Idea. The illustrations won the Not-Cadlecott Award in 2009.

Q 3. My mom won’t buy me yoga pants.

The bad news is you can’t possibly show your face in Echo Star’s yoga class in sweat pants. You’d die of embarrassment. The good news is you are not partaking in a pagan ritual.

Q 4. Put God back in our country song 2013?

Amen! That’s what we need to heal our country. We need to put God back in our country song! So, I’ve written a song, calling for all true patriots to demand that Obama put God back in our country song, where He belongs, in 2013:

Just ask me how America went wrong.

We took God out of our country song.

Next thing you know all the kids play pong

Cause we took God out of our country song


When you boil hot dogs, you take them out with tongs.

Put God back in our country song.

Where the women are weak but the men are strong.

Put God back in our country song.


Artist rendering of dance number.

The men wear boots and the ladies wear thongs.

Put God back in our country song.

All the ladies say “Ho!” and the fellas say “Zong!?”

Put God back in our country song. 

Put God back in our country song!


2013 baby! [Dance number featuring Zigfeld Follies girls dressed in Stars and Stripes.]

Q 5. Should Christians wear Victoria’s Secrets?

Yes. Please. Sorry, Amy.

Q 6. What does mean the awkward moment you say bye to someone and then walk in the same direction?

It means you said goodbye too soon. I recommend never saying goodbye to anyone to avoid this scenario. Works for me. Also, never look up at people you know if you are walking towards them. Because if they say “Hello, how’s it going?” you’ll have time to either answer their question or greet them and ask them how it’s going, but not both, before you pass them. Leaving you forever in their debt.

Just pretend to be busy answering Important Emails on your smart phone whenever you see another Human Being. Safer that way.

Q 7. Why are people so mean in the library?

By any chance has your mother refused to buy you yoga pants?

Q 8. Antimatter opposed by the church?

Since Augustine of Hippo, the church has commonly understood evil as a privation, a lack, rather than a thing with Being. Now scientists have empirically identified evil in the world, and just as Augustine anticipated, it is not a substance, but an anti-substance. An anti-matter, to be empirically precise. And so only by creating new matter, even new matter to overwhelm the antimatter in the universe can we destroy evil from among us. Science.

Q 9. Christian alternative to Justin Bieber?

Lady’s and gentlemen, I give you, Michael Clancy:

Had YouTube existed when Michael Clancy made this life-changing video, who knows how famous he would be. See my thoughts on this, here.

Q 10. Wreck it Ralph false advertising?

Should have been called Slightly-Damaged-it Ralph.


  1. Aren’t you at all concerned that your reification of so-called “anti-matter” will implode the universe, starting with this page?

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